After returning from Hawai’i and Boston, I threw myself into a deep pool of stress and anxiety and I’ve been trying to tread in it for the past few days. I’m at the last week of my program at Broadway Dance Center, and there’s no such thing as banking on the next semester now that I’m in my post-grad journey.
I was asked to go to Mexico for mission work, and I had been pushing to visit LA sometime this summer. When I first visited LA in 2012, I bought myself a tacky LA keychain to remind myself that wherever I was living, that I would end up there someday soon. Today was the last day for me to submit an application to train in LA for another dance program, and today I decided against it all.
I’m actually giving up the temporary trips to focus on something a bit more long-term, and that’s to make my next move in Korea within the coming months.
I think this whole time I had just been really hungry to leave NY, to see something different, and to leave behind everything I didn’t know how to handle. I’ve grown up moving my entire life, and it’s become easy to distance myself from everything and everyone, because I’ve understood my life would have to pack up and move on to the next place. This fear has hurt many people around me in ways that I could never measure. But I can’t say that this is another getaway.
For the remaining time I have here, I’m going to focus on living and being here. Here’s to being present, and developing/discovering more of me and this life I live by reflecting on all that I’ve learned and encountered in this past season of my life. This is my best effort to finish all that I’ve started here. Not all things necessarily have a finish line, and I know New York will always be my home. But this is the best thing I can do for myself, and all I can do to show people that I care about the relationships I’ve built with them. All I can do to embrace now is to be here, for now.
Jun 11, 2014.
blame others or my life circumstances as the reason why i missed out on my first two years of college life. after seeing some pictures that made up my freshman / sophmore year… i realize it’s unfair to all the people and circumstances that actually made it really memorable.
i had a really great roommate, who i often did absolutely nothing with other than watch community and eat ramen.. and other times she was running after me out the door when i was in distress, just to slow me down and remind me that she cared about me, and didn’t want me to hurt myself or forget that. she would bring me sandwiches when i sat out in the hallway because i couldn’t go in the room because i was always crying on the phone. i got to eat sweet potato waffle fries and blow big bubbles in central park right before the tim burton exhibit on my 20th birthday with some of the most meaningful, supportive friends i had in college, all whom i have stopped talking to.
my mission trip to miami’s haitian kids was my favorite mission trip and out of all the times i’ve spent taking care of large groups of kids, these kids were my favorite. i adored them, and they admired us. they were so innocently honest, so purely joyful, and had no idea how heartbreaking they casually told us their family problems. this trip was also the first time i ever saw clear, blue water.. and the first time i ever had my fingerprints taken for a criminal background check. and it’ll be the only time i ever get to say i went to miami for spring break on a mission trip (nobody believes the last part of it still).
soph year was the last time i built an indoor blanket fort and had smores with our already stove-heated, fake-ass chocolate fondue, which ended up getting splattered all over our faces and walls. this was juho’s fault.. he was leaving for the military soon, and that was heart-wrenching at the time, because he was so close to me and amy.
and to hiptop, backyard monsters, and all the things we wanted to be and could’ve been.. there’s no words for that.
it’s late, super late, but not late enough to really appreciate the time i spent in college, the first two years to be exact.. because i always said that i only enjoyed the last two. i graduated last year and posted no photos, enjoyed a solemn congratulatory lunch after a fight with my best friend the moment i walked off my graduation ceremony, and continued to live my life believing that i never deserved to graduate because i didn’t enjoy my life, my studies, or embraced what i was doing when i was there.
it takes me a while sometimes, but i’m learning how to really be thankful for all that i’ve gone through and all that i have. this post is for the first two years of college that i thought went by wasted.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.Maya
nodding to the beats, 2am, this is the nightlife for me. looks like this summer i’m becoming friends with the introvert side that no one believes i have.
desires have brought me the greatest afflictions, but i’ve been praying the boldest prayers ever since.
I let others feel as if I have given up on them, it kills me inside. When I let others feel as if I have abandoned them, it cuts me deep… Because these are my greatest fears. They stem from my deeply rooted insecurity of being inadequate, of not ever amounting to enough.
It’s okay to fail. However, my failure is that I’ve allowed others to feel the same pain I don’t want to feel. My failure is to see that I am bound to always to fail, and that there is a necessity to learn how to embrace my shortcomings as a reason why I need a saviour. I am my own worst saviour.
I don’t believe that life is always meant to be thought out, planned, and full of doing things that are required of us out of expectation. I think it’s supposed to be simpler than we make it. I think we’re supposed to dance, and feel, and enjoy the music that makes us want to move. I think that’s supposed to happen way more often than we allow it to. I don’t think we should worry as much as I let it keep me up at night. That’s more control over things we don’t actually have control over.